Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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