I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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