He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
