if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize