Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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