the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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