So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
