I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
