I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
