Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
