When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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