Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
