I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
