I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I think your dad took our porno
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
