It's Friday. Sex?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
