i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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