I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
