wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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