I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
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Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
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I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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