***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
