My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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