Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
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We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
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Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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