I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
