I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
