I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
