My first STD was from a foam party
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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