People with herpes should wear stickers.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I wish you could order shots online.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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