I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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