get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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