I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
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you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
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so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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