Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
