cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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