i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
