sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
