the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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