I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
