you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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