Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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