I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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