Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
