dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
