If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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