I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
