The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
