just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
that is very illegal...i love you.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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