Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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