From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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