Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
