just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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