The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
