First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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