Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just want nice things and good sex
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
