They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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