Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
