I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
