im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
